Sorry for my bad grammar but rereading this and taking my time is not something I feel like doing with this.
Two days ago my mom called my brother’s house and left this message: “tell your daughter that I died of cancer and not that I killed myself” then took off for hours and told no one anything else. This may come as a shock to read I agree but this has happened maybe 6 times that I can recall in my life. The first I think when I was about 12 and she told me to leave the room so SHE could light the bed on fire with her in it. Again not something fun to deal with as a very young kid. Another time was when I was living 7 hours away in a different state call me and tell me “tonight is the night I am going to do it” So I call my brother people rush to stop her but she was never going to do it. I can’t recall each event because over the years I have told no one but a very handful of people. But you see the pattern. She gets the idea in her head and then makes a few calls to her kids then hides and people come to her aid. This last one she just checked into the hospital, she is ok now.
I pause for one moment to explain why I am writing this in a lame ass BLOG for anyone to read. Because for years I have had to deal with this, with just my brother and I knowing the full story and frankly I am fucking sick of it. I don’t give a fuck about it anymore. It is not fair for a kid or a person to have to deal with feeling like its something they cannot talk about to others. I honestly don’t really feel like talking about it cause its not fun and a little too dark. I am not asking for pity or advise or help or anything. I am just venting to as many people as I can at once so that I don’t have to worry about what people might think if they find out. It’s like keeping a secret to protect others but in turn it only hurts the one keeping the secret. After YEARS fuck that shit no more. Make no mistake. So after countless times of pulling this “Move” as I will call it I can just going to vent myself of it for good. This is about the shame of hiding this from others not the act itself. Everyone has their own issues but asking kids on into adult to carry that issue on ends now.
Don’t pass judgment on my mom if you can she has tried over the years dealing with bi-polar disorder depression and has been medicated beyond the average person. She is a good-hearted person and does her best to be good. But at the same time asked me her son to keep this to myself. She has never come out and said, “now don’t tell anyone” no she just says nothing. What am I going to do go to class and tell everyone? At 13 , 16, 18 ,… 36 what would anyone do? I kept that fucking shit under lock and key. Nope not now.
So there it is. Over the years having to keep my mouth shut for fear that others would judge me or my mom. Maybe no one will even read this I don’t know and really don’t care. I only care that I no longer will deal with keeping it to myself. I don’t want pity.
Thank you for reading and understanding my crappy writing and story.
Kip
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No pity, Kip. Just empathy. My first husband was bipolar and it really is a silent disease for the family. Watching someone who is basically good act in hurtful ways can be very traumatic, especially when you feel like you can't share it with anyone. There is almost an inherent need to protect them.
ReplyDeleteI recently started blogging about my journey, even though my first husband Dan has been dead seven years (natural causes) and it feels somewhat like a betrayal still.
But venting is the first part of healing I think, so I quite understand and fully support your need to do this. If you ever need it, I've got a couple of understanding ears. No judgment, no pity.
(P.S. Glad your mom was hospitalized... that sounds healthy given the situation.)
If you want to read it, here is my blog on the topic:
ReplyDeletehttp://gingervoight.wordpress.com/2010/09/23/nightmares-part-1/
Welcome to the "Children of Bi-polar Parents Club", it's quite unofficial, but I think there are more of us than we realize mainly in part because like your mom, Bi-polar parents often wana keep it hush-hush. I had to tell my friends my dad was on a business trip when he was in the hospital for treatment when I was in Jr. High.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, just thought you should know that I can relate.